Most of us think of programming languages as very passive, but powerful, creatures that do our bidding. But that is only 1% of the entire story. Here, below, is but a brief excerpt of a recent interview with this year’s most popular language and heavy-hitter, Java:
Interviewer: “Congratulations, Java, on winning the most popular programming language of 2017! Tell me, how does it feel?”
“Feels great, you know? But I always knew I’d win.” says Java, as a corner of his face lit up in a subtle smirk.
“I’m so far above the competition, nobody even comes close. What did you expect?”
Interviewer: “What was your colleagues response to hearing about your big win?”
“Well, the less said about Python’s reaction, the better. Python really thought he had a chance this year. Poor thing. What, with it being one of the best code golf languages and all, I can see how he was under that impression.” he said, smugly.
“But, code golf ain’t even close to real programming. In real world applications, I’m the best, and will continue to be the best – no questions asked.” he added, with the most triumphant, self-assured posture possible for someone clearly fully seated.
Interviewer: “What do you have to say to the runner ups?”
“As always, better luck next time! What can I say: Don’t put all your eggs in the Code Golf basket. Code Golf is not for us, serious programming languages.” he said with a mildly amused expression.
“I happen to provide coders way more control, and I’m much faster than most of them. Best of all, I can run in all machines. Compile once and run everywhere! Can Python do that? Can it? Yeah, I thought so.” he said, as he visibly ran out of breathe in his fervour.
Interviewer: “Where do you find the most traction in terms of people getting to know you well?”
“Look… to know me well, you have to practice with me. End of discussion.” he declared.
“Practice makes perfect. And my genius of a mentor has a platform which supports all languages, including myself. Not to mention, she has a ton of practice problems where you can get to know my minute intricacies like no one else and get hired because of it!” he practically jumped out of his seat with excitement.
“Evidently, hiring gets him riled up,” thought the interviewer to himself.
Interviewer: “And who exactly is this prolific mentor of yours?”
“Let’s just say I can’t reveal my sources,” said Java, with a sly grin.
“Maybe if you ask nicely, I will tell you later,” he added.
Interviewer: “What was the hardest part of your job?”
“Hmm… I guess the hardest part was to convince the newbies that I’m still relevant and won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. With machine learning and AI being the sexy new thing to do, a lot of people thought that I would just fade into the darkness. So much for that! What they don’t realize is that, I can be used for Machine Learning too!” he scoffed.
“That idiotic newbie Python thinks he’s so hot… We’ll just have to see about that!” he said, as he proceeds to grumble incoherently under his breath, to no one in particular.
“Anyway, you see, I reinvent myself every year to keep up with the new arrivals. No use resting on your laurels and legacy when your constantly competing with intruders in your own domain.” he said, as he let out a sigh.
Interviewer: “Who are you secretly intimidated by, off the cuff, of course?”
“Intimidated?!! No one! Well … Maybe C, if you have to pull it out of me!” he said with an angry glint evident in his eyes.
“I mean, even after all this time, C hasn’t died! He’s a master of reinvention like no other. Sometimes I wish that I had as much control over the operating system as C does,” said Java as his shoulders drooped a little.
Interviewer: “How does Java relax on his time off?”
“I like to sip on coffee on an island beach in Indonesia. You can probably guess which island and what flavor of coffee is my fave!” he said, with a bit of colour returning to his face.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“Well, first of all, I don’t see myself going anywhere. I think I will develop more machine learning libraries to keep up with the times as they change. Perhaps, even some libraries for blockchain. This is what I’m currently researching. In fact, I have a library, web3j, which can help anyone build applications on the Ethereum blockchain!” he said with added excitement.
“I anticipate developing more such libraries in the future.” he declared with stoic confidence.
Interviewer: “Why do you think you’ve done as well as you have?”
“It’s obvious, isn’t it? I’m not afraid to adapt and change with new technological trends. Adding machine learning and blockchain libraries, for example. Also, I’m relatively easy to learn and do not complicate myself with multiple inheritances and that kind of nonsense. Oh, and I’m quite focused on keeping my applications secure.” he said, visibly pleased with himself.
“Listen, I could go on and on, but in a nutshell, what I want to say is that I keep well ahead of the curve!” he gloated, as he thrust his chest out a little further and lifted his chin up a notch.
Interviewer: “Who would you want to pass the torch on to, if you could?”
“Don’t think of me as arrogant. At this time, I don’t see any other language taking over my spot as the most popular language in the world! It will remain the same for the next 10 years at least. You can count on it.” he said, as though it was a matter of fact, and anyone that suggested otherwise was a clear lunatic.
As Java turns to get up from his chair and leave, the interview abruptly grabs his hand.
Interviewer: “I hate to be so rude, but I just must know who this mystery mentor of yours is that you say has taught you everything you know, and perhaps has the keys to the universe?”
Java’s face goes from blank to greatly amused again. He takes his time to pause and let a second go by for the interviewer to understand just how sacred the name is to him, before he bends down and whispers slowly in his ear, “Skillenza”.
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Congratulations, Java, on being the programming language of the year!
And thank you all for your hopefully undivided attention. We wish you the best for 2018!